An Open Letter to the Model who Lives in My City & Took the Opportunity to Tell Me All The Ways I’m Disgusting & Ugly on Instagram Today

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Hey. Hi. This is weird, but I guess I just felt compelled to say something, or just I really wanted to ask a few questions, 

We’ve been Facebook friends for a little while. You’ve liked my statuses and stuff. I didn’t think you were doing it ironically. It’s hard to tell with Facebook likes, though. One time I liked a super crazy mean status one of my racists aunts posted, thinking, “She’ll see this and be ashamed that I know the ugliness inside of her” but instead she just started constantly sending me these really racist chain e-mails.

What I’m saying is, nothing has been out of the ordinary. So, can I ask what special thing happened today for you to go on a comment rampage on Instagram to let me know just how disgusting and fat and ugly I am?

Like, I know the combination of how “unique” (that’s the nice way I say it) I look alongside me using that look to start modeling alongside the stigma of being a sex worker in any form is an open invite for everyone to criticize. They do plenty. You just don’t expect it from other girls, especially other alt models in the same city. We shoot with the same photographers. We know some of the same people. 

I’m a dayshift stripper at a small neighborhood joint that contains a variety of customers that don’t really care what the girls look like, just that they’re girls. This is appropriate to my level of beauty. I make the correct amount of money for a stripper of my visual quality, which is like 200 bucks on a good day, which I know is NOTHING compared to a good night for you and your best friend at your high-class stripclub. If the goal was education, I’m sorry to say, I’ve already learned this lesson.

I guess I just get confused easily. My big thing is, I try not to just do things to do things (to be honest a lot of that is based on how i used to eat pie just to eat pie because hey its fucking pie and now i’m trying to lose weight with less pie and more squarts and more crunches. oops i think i said squarts instead of squats. sorry, i just learned what squats are this morning, when you gave me the unsolicited advice regarding squats and how you feel i should be doing quite a few more with regularity) and to take a moment and ask myself, “What do you get out of this action? How does that result make you feel? What does that say about you?”

Do you ask yourself those questions often? I feel like I’ve never asked them as much as normal people do. But I think I have that Woody Allen thing where I think I’m kinda crazy and narcissistic and neurotic but thinking that is kinda what makes me crazy and narcissistic and neurotic.

Anyway, I asked myself, if I had taken a big shit of insults all over some strange (local) girl’s IG page, what would I get out of it? 

I sincerely don’t know. That’s not to say I’ve never been unnecessarily mean to someone on the internet. I think everyone on the internet has accidentally or not accidentally cyberbullied someone for a second. It’s too easy to fuck up tone when we’re just writing and not standing in front of each other talking, for that to not happen, all the time. It’s all about what comes next.

So I guess my questions are,

What did you get out of doing that, as a person?

How does that make you feel?

How does those feelings make you feel about yourself, especially when compared to the ideals of goodness in society at large?

And what’s going to come next? 

If you have any free time to answer any of those questions, I’d be super appreciative. It may seem hard to believe considering the traditional behavior of a person who’s on this side of the conflict we now have (gotdamn that’s a sucky sentence), but sincerely, I’m only looking for a tiny modicum of understanding. 

If I can make one request, when you write back, imagine me as a real person who lives near you, with honest-to-God feelings and at least some knowledge of her own physical shortcomings plus a whole bunch that pry aren’t even real. Imagine me in whatever way you need to to make my lack of orthodontia sexy or cool, to make me curvy instead of whateverfatphobicwordyouguysuse, to make my face interesting or unique. Pretend that we maybe just have different interests in regards to things like hip hop or tattoos or what movie quotes we want tattooed on us. Maybe even try to think about potential differences in upbringing, especially with regards to potentially differing class statuses. 

Maybe even imagine how YOU’D feel if some very pretty girl you’ve never met turned up out of the blue just to tell you how ugly you are.

That seems like a sour note to end on. It’s not very friendly.

Do you like the Fast and the Furious movies? Which one is your favorite? Mine is a tie between 5 and 6 but 2 is still way up there.